All my plans for naught

Every so often the plan for a perfect crime springs full-formed to my attention. However, my dastardly plots always come to nothing - either because someone else has already thought of and used my ingenious idea or because it just plain old won't work.

The Armored-Truck Fraud

As I rode the ski lift through the fog, driving snow, and wind, I realized that a theft of possibly hundreds of millions could be pulled off through a conspiracy. Requirements:

• 30 or 40 conspirators
• about $10 million in investment
• no criminal record or morals

The plan is quite simple, really. All you have to do is found an Armored Courier company and then pull the carpet out from under all your clients at once. Since every employee of the company is in on the plan, you can coordinate the heist for moment when the most valuable items are being transported. I brought up the possibility of such a plot and was informed that someone had already done it. Alas.

The Artificial Stock Depression

Someone on IRC brought up a pastime of his - buying a single stock in a company merely to go to the stockholder meetings and enjoy himself. The activities you can engage in are many:

• eating the free food
• criticizing the leadership of the board
• charging the podium with a super soaker

These of course could be combined for fun AND profit! The plan is quite simple: First, buy a stock. Next, attend the first stockholder meeting you can. After the second stage you'll be rather unwelcome at the meeting, so eat the free food before continuing. The next step is critical - you have to make it look genuine. Charge the podium as the chairman of the board speaks (remember your super soaker, you have to look emotionally unhinged!) and loudly accuse him of embezzlement. This should produce at least 10 seconds of utter confusion which you may be able to use to make your escape.

After your escape, monitor the stock of the company for a short term drop in value - buy low, sell high! Unfortunately you may well be charged with assault and slander - so you may have to settle for the fun and skip the profit.